Originally published to 8newsnow.com on July 25, 2023.

Haunted Mansion is the latest foray into the theme park ride-turned-motion picture genre. Coming from a well that has been dipped into intermittently over the last two decades or so, Haunted Mansion seems like a wild card on the summer blockbuster slate.

On the one hand, the concept of a film based around the Haunted Mansion theme park ride is so ambiguously open-ended (there’s a mansion and it’s haunted) that the filmmakers could take the idea in virtually any direction. Like Pirates of the Caribbean before it, the nugget of an idea (there are pirates that are in the Caribbean) could be fleshed out in unexpected and entertaining ways.

On the other hand, the fear of a potentially unique and fresh adaptation giving way to creatively bankrupt storytelling in favor of a nostalgia-infused cash grab becomes very real.

The reality of Haunted Mansion, as has become more common, lies somewhere between the two extremes.

From frame one of Haunted Mansion, the prevailing feeling is that the screenplay is more akin to 90s-era Disney Channel or a Disney+ effort than a big screen adventure. It’s far more 1997’s Tower of Terror than Pirates of the Caribbean. It’s more Disenchanted than Enchanted. The concept feels “movie of the week-ish,” even if the onscreen talent and special effects don’t.

And that is where the film finds its strength. LaKeith Stanfield plays a likable and relatable protagonist. Owen Wilson and Danny DiVito are remarkably charming, playing what seems to be their real-life selves. Newcomer Chase Dillon feels destined for great things, with the young actor’s snappy dialogue fitting right in with the all-star cast.

The performances aren’t all gold. Jamie Lee Curtis stops in for a cup of coffee, with most of her performance being a CG-laden voice-over gig. The same can be said for Jared Leto, who is nowhere to be found in his mostly computer-generated role. With the assistance of voice modulation, anyone could have played the Hatbox Ghost. 

Frustratingly, the actors in Haunted Mansion are better than the materials they were given. The filmmakers could have taken any direction with the film, but what ended up on the screen feels “paint-by-numbers.” The movie is overly long by at least 20 minutes and includes a scene with perhaps 2023’s most gratuitous and pointless product placement. 

It’s not that Haunted Mansion is a horrible time at the movies. It’s not. The film isn’t offensively bad, just entirely forgettable. Such ephemeral content may be acceptable for streaming services — sitting on a comfy couch in the living room, having already invested the $7.99 per month necessary to watch the film. However, asking someone to leave their home, buy a ticket, and take in two hours of wafer-thin plot, even one buoyed by A-list actors, is not a path to high praise.